BATON ROUGE, LA – Poor Bobby Jindal. Evidently still hung-up on his pathetic presidential effort last year and struggling to come to terms with the fact that he got whooped by a TV celebrity, reports suggest that he said Easter grace yesterday from behind a homemade, cardboard president’s podium.
Already engaging in recent strange behavior, eyewitnesses say that Jindal had spent a good part of the week building the podium himself from the quiet confines of his garage. It is believed to be held together with Gorilla Glue and sports the words “U.S. PRESADNT” on the front of it, elegantly written in black Sharpie.
“Bobby, come down from there, you’re making a fool of yourself”, his wife Supriya was alleged to have told him, “You’re not the president. You’re not anything. Cut it out.”
However her demands were apparently ignored as Jindal pushed play on his 1990’s tape-deck, with the U.S. national anthem proceeding to play.
“Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty,
through Christ, Our Lord. Amen.” he recited at the podium, “And NOT Donald Trump, or Ted Cruz, or any of those assholes.”
“As your president, today is a day of remembering the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth. We are blesse–”
“BOBBY STOP IT!”, Surpriya was reported to have interjected with, “BOBBY YOU’RE SCARING ME, YOU’RE SCARING THE KIDS, AND YOU’RE SCARING GRANDMA. I CAN’T PUT UP WITH THIS ANYMORE. YOU’RE NOT PRESIDENT. YOU LOST. NOW TAKE OFF THAT STUPID SUIT AND LAPEL, PUT YOUR SILLY PODIUM AWAY, AND COME AND EAT WITH US LIKE A NORMAL FAMILY!”
Scenes reportedly calmed down shortly after, but it’s an interesting look into just how Bobby is handling rejection this far on. Poor Bobby.