SHREVEPORT, LA – After drawing a huge amount of inspiration from the good folks in the United Kingdom, Northern Louisiana today hits the polling booths as they look to become independent from the rest of the state.
Claiming that they share little in common with their Southern statesmen, and that “they’re too rowdy anyway”, every citizen North of Alexandria is eligible to take part in the referendum and, according to Shreveport-based politician Drew Barnett, is urged to do so.
“I think if you ask any sane Northern Louisiana resident, they’ll tell you that they’ve had enough of those crazy folks down South”, he said, “We get a bad deal from them. They make us look like the boring cousin who just sits there at the party and doesn’t say anything. Just because we don’t whip our tits out for Mardi Gras or have any interesting food doesn’t mean that you can look down on us. This is our chance to gain independence from them and we should take it with both hands.”
The last-minute referendum also comes with some rules, as Barnett explains.
“We’re pretty confident of a vote of leave, but just in case it goes down to a tie, we do have a method of finding a winner”, he said, “Basically it will go one of two ways. We’ll either have a mini-war, similar to the Civil War with all the cool old costumes and muskets and everything, or we’ll have a state-wide skeet shoot competition and see who wins that way. It’s still up in the air.”
Results are due to be finalized in the early hours of the morning. Stay tuned for updates.