Like a bad smell, some things just keep coming back. That’s right, it’s time to dust off your bulletproof vests and ensure that your life insurance affairs are in order, because the Cajun Heartland State Fair rolls on into town this weekend! And The Daily Crawfish has the low-down on all the best rides and attractions that you can risk your lives on this year.
1Live Action Hunting Ride
Strap yourselves in and get ready for the experience of a… half hour! Based on the Men In Black ride at Universal Studios Florida, work with your 6-man team as you’re driven around the deep swamps of Louisiana to kill anything that moves. Earn points for each kill, and remember – the more endangered the species, the higher the points reward!
2Johnston Street Racers
This state-of-the-art racing simulator puts you in the driving seat of arguably the most dangerous road in the country! Use every ounce of courage and wit to navigate your way through a range of hazards such as drunk drivers, t-boy’s, cyclists and bikers. Can you make it from one end of Johnston Street to the other? (Note: this game is impossible to complete)
3‘The Oil Industry’ Roller Coaster
New for 2016 is a white-knuckle ride sure to leave you feeling completely helpless! Constructed by the Saudis, The Oil Industry comes complete with the largest most unprecedented vertical drop in America. Make sure you’re in it for the long haul, though – it bottoms out before heading back up again around the middle of 2017. Bring a sick bag!
And after you’ve had your life crushed miserably on the Oil Industry roller-coaster, what better way to take out your pent-up frustration than with a classic game of Whack-A-Jindal? Careful though – he’s a sneaky one! So keep your eyes peeled and your foam hammer at the ready as you pummel him back into the depths of hell from where he came. Great fun for all ages!
5Guess The Weight Of The Stripper! – Hosted by Republican Rep. Kenny Havard
Roll up! Roll up! Everyone’s favorite republican joker Kenny Havard is in town, and he’s brought his South Louisiana-famous stripper Marcia with him! But my, she looks a little ‘robust’ by Kenny’s stripper-standards and he isn’t having any of it! Simply buy a dollar ticket and guess her weight – if you guess right, you win a prize! (All prizes paid for by the Louisiana taxpayer).
Bowling in Louisiana has been far too unrealistic for far too long. Who ever heard of a flat surface longer than four meters? Exactly! But the realism has arrived – with pothole bowling! Gone are those silky smooth lanes like they have up North, and in their place potholes so big that you could fall down them – just like any given road in the state! Mae sure you dodge ’em!
7 Raised F150 Vertical Drop
Get ready to see the boudin that you ate an hour ago! You might be thinking that, at 60,000ft tall, this is an engineering feat like no other. Well, it is – but it’s actually just a regular old t-boy’s F150 that he raised a couple weeks back! Don’t forget to check out the stunning vista when you reach the top – you can see Vermont on a clear day – and then feel the rush as you plummet to the ground at speeds close to 500mph. Mon dieu!