LAFAYETTE, LA – Deciding that he hadn’t been in front of a camera in far too long, Clay Higgins last night announced his intentions to run for the third congressional district seat. And Higgins, best known for calling out the Gremlin Gang before promptly passing that burden on to a successor, marked the occasion with a rousing and patriotic speech that made area residents cry red, white and blue tears.
But he admitted that he couldn’t have done it without a few people close-at-hand, and explained that he had assembled an elite crack team of notable figures to help him write a speech that would span the ages.
“I just want to thank a few behind the scenes folk for assisting me over the past week”, he said in a brief interview this morning, “Y’all know who you are. And if you’re one of them, then look at me – I’m talking to you now. I appreciate the fact that y’all made me sound sharp as a tack up on that podium. I think I pronounced everything good ‘n’ right – there were some big words in that thing for sure.”
Although Higgins didn’t name names, sources suggest that the high-profile figures that aided him in the construction of his patriotic, all-American speech included George Washington, Jesus Christ, Kid Rock, John Wayne, Yosemite Sam, and an 8-foot bald eagle.
It is also believed that Ted Nugent was invited to attend, however he was allegedly unavailable to join due to being camped out in a deer blind in Oklahoma for the past nine weeks.
Higgins’ campaign continues.