The most wonderful, culturally diverse time of the year is once again here. Where musical talents from all over the world gather under the twinkling stars of Acadiana. Where people from far and wide gather to celebrate life, share laughter, and eat and drink until they pass out on a downtown back-street. Festival International de Louisiana returns for 2016, and we have the ultimate to-do list to ensure that your festival is, like, oh my God the best festival everrrr.

1Eat Four Crawfish Bowls In 20 Minutes

Everyone knows that when Festival is in full swing, the food vendors and restaurants downtown offer up such hits as Crawfish Bread Bowls. A giant loaf of delicious carbs filled with the crawfish goop known as etouffee will hit the spot. This year however, will be the introduction to the newest FIL food challenge known to Lafayette, The Bowl-y Trinity.

Eat three Crawfish Bread Bowls in 15 minutes, and rumor has it that you can receive numerous prizes such as a special pass to the cleanest restrooms on the block, a free stomach pump courtesy of the local hospital, and another Crawfish Bowl!

2Never Go Home During Festival And Just Use The Fountain At Parc Sans Souci To Bathe And Do Laundry

Why would you ever want to actually go home? Festival is one big 96-hour party, damn it. You may as well just keep things ticking over. And to make this possible, Festival International comes complete with it’s own on-site bathing and laundry facilities. Just head on over to Parc Sans Souci where you can scrub yourself clean AND wash your clothes using its super-cool fountain. Just keep your surf shorts on as to not alarm the locals, and you’re good to go.

3Befriend Yankee Tourists To Make Yourself Sound Like A Local Expert On Everything Louisiana

Make an impact on some out-of-town tourists by befriending them and showing them all the cool sights and opportunities to be witnessed during festival. That way, you can look like a total bad-ass and world-traveled soul who knows just about everyone in town, even if you don’t!

Shout greetings to people across the street you don’t know and talk to bartenders as if you are old friends. Introduce them to the band playing on stage, and then the one immediately after – and repeat as necessary. You’ll be the talk of small-town Missouri for months!

4Spend The Entirety Of Festival Stood By The Beer Tent Complaining About The State Of Politics In The U.S.

Maybe music, food, and the festival experience in general isn’t for you? Get around this by standing near one of the beer tents and talk loudly to whoever will listen about how much you dislike Obama and Bel Edwards. After all, this is where people actually want to care about what you have to say – and that’s not because you are extremely intoxicated. Who knows, maybe the right person will even hear you and offer you a job on Drumpf’s cabinet?

5Find The Secret Foghat Gig

Search for Foghat’s secret show located somewhere downtown. Foghat, the popular 70’s band are rumored to performing their hit song ‘Slow Ride’ (an ode to Verot School Road’s traffic conditions) exclusively. You can most likely find them by following the stickers located around town, or heading to one of the dive bars to ask a groupie.

6Become One With The Festival And Connect Deeply With The Spirits Of Acadiana Past

Get yourself entangled in the deep-lying spirituality of Festival International by, just for a few days, becoming a child of the Earth. The spirits of the soil would be happy to connect with you, but rumor is that you must sacrifice a part of your inner-self by getting hammered on cheap wine and vomiting heavily in an alleyway somewhere off of Jefferson Street. It is also said that you must be wearing denim shorts and a woven festival hat during the process. Only then can you reach complete spirituality with Acadiana-past.

7Explain How You’ve Loved This Tribal Band Since You First Saw Them Perform In Togo Six Years Ago

Everyone loves a super-hipster, so embrace it. Listen to one of the foreign bands playing while you pretend to know everything about them. Doing this will only increase your chances of impressing the lovely male or female standing next to you, after all.

Also be sure to discuss how you’ve loved this African tribal band since you saw them perform whilst on an aid mission in Togo six years ago. Talk about how you have all of their records, how you’re on first name terms with each member, and how you even have one of their bongos mounted onto the wall of your Freetown pad.