LAFAYETTE, LA – Exciting changes are coming to Downtown Lafayette, with leaked plans hinting towards the area receiving a makeover in the near future.
The announcement comes as the new bar ordinance looks more and more likely to be passed, and officials plan on basing the entertainment haven on the Las Vegas strip – by calling it ‘Laf Vegas’.
City Official Burt Stevens says that it’s a recipe for success.
“When you think of a successful business-based city that brings in tourism and a hell of a lot of money, what do you think of? Las Vegas of course”, he said, “So it makes sense to model Downtown Lafayette on that. Laf Vegas, baby! We’ll make sure that every single local law that has been enacted in Las Vegas has, is enacted in Laf Vegas.”
But what exactly will Laf Vegas include?
• A number of new hotels will be opening up in the area, each with a unique theme. At the moment, that list includes a hunting-themed hotel, a hipster-themed hotel, and a civil-war themed hotel.
• State-of-the-art penny slots will be located in the old Arcadian building, which will be re-branded as ‘Abbe-Vegas‘. It will feature a comfortable patio seating area in the shape of a scaled down pyramid with some futons underneath it, and cuisine inspired by the city of Abbeville. Payouts will reportedly reach as high as $50 per night. Weekly jackpots of $100 are also up for grabs, as well as a main-prize of a 1999 Mitsubishi Family Wagon.
• The former Grant Street Dance Hall will be transformed into a multi-purpose event center, hosting traditional boxing matches during the week and bare-knuckle boxing on the weekend. They are hoping to start booking boxing matches and bands by the end of this summer.
• High profile local musicians will be taking up residency at Grant Street, as well as a number of the brand-new, purpose built hotels along Jefferson Street. Musicians such as Brass Bed (one of the greatest bands to ever come out of Lafayette), Feufollet, The Givers, and Lost Bayou Ramblers are rumored to be among some of the most sought after. Rumors are that McKenzie Bourg was highly sought after as well, but that a possible deal was in works for a residency at local favorite establishment.
• The first confirmed Laf Vegas booking is an all-male touring chippendale troupe from Jeanerette known as the “Jeanerette Sweat”, known for their provocative strip teases and excessive moisture. How people will react to them is up in the air, after recent events caused some anally-pained people to get outraged over artwork showing breasts, but the troupe is excited to share their dance moves and life stories with the people of Lafayette, and their willing eyes.
• A fountain exhibit modeled on the famous Bellagio fountain will be installed at Parc Sans Souci, and will include live alligators, nutria, and more. It will also be hosting Le Fountains de Swamp, a vast choreographed water-performance set to light and music.
• Local alligator trainers will be working with our favorite reptiles to provide another layer of entertainment at Parc Sans Souci, with guest performances from the comedy troupe ‘Duck Dynasty‘ appearing three times a month.
• Marvel in amazement as Baton Rouge-based magic man “Brilliant” Bobby Jindal brings his show to Laf Vegas where, once a week, he’ll be performing his state-famous act of making money disappear into thin air.
• Located on Jefferson Street will be the hub for helicopter tours to beautiful Ville Platte, where you can see the wonders of gun crime from the safety of 500 feet in the air.
• Approximately 580 new bars will be opening on the half-mile stretch of the Laf Vegas strip – all of which will allow go-cups to be used between each one.
• Classic Vegas-style shotgun weddings will be available in various locations on Jefferson Street. Please disregard the right-wing protesters.
Charlie Thebes, director of the Lafayette Council For A Better Lafayette and owner of the brand new Jefferson Street-based Thebes Hotel and Casino, says that he can’t wait until Laf Vegas opens for business.
“It can’t come soon enough”, he said, “I honestly believe that we will be bigger than Las Vegas. I’ll have my finger in a number of pies, starting with my Egyptian-themed hotel. I also have plans for a hunting-themed hotel that will include such amenities as camo bedsheets and duck noises in every room. I’ll also be offering a high-quality escort service, with F150’s driving up and down Jefferson Street that the girls will be sat in the bed of, for your purchasing pleasure. I’m very excited about it all.”
More details on the major renovation are expected to be released in the following weeks.