BATON ROUGE, LA – A despondent Bobby Jindal today officially endorsed Bobby Jindal as “the best damn choice” for presidency, and claiming that America “won’t know what it’s missing”.
Commenting live from his customized cellar bar in his Baton Rouge home, Jindal sobbed profusely to himself whilst making the statement, nursing a half-finished glass of Tuition Loan IPA.
“Bobby”, he said, staring deeply into the bottom of his glass, “I officially endorse you as the best damn choice for president the world has ever seen. This great country won’t know what it’s missing. It doesn’t deserve you. You’re too good for it.”
Jindal was then reported to have taken a heavy sigh, before slamming his beer down and bursting into another tearful tirade.
“Damn it Bobby, damn it all to hell!”, he shouted, “You could have been the one! You could have stood at that White House podium, making the greatest speech of all time! You could have had your face on a dollar bill! You could have been the one on the front page of the National Enquirer, reported to have slept with Halle Berry! You could have been something. And now, it’s all over… poof… gone. Andato. Ido.”
Jindal was reported to have sunk another three pints, chasing it all down with a shot of Taaka King Cake vodka, before changing into his camo-patterned onesie and stumbling to bed.