BATON ROUGE, LA – The first wave of John Bel Edwards’ state-wide budget cuts swept through Baton Rouge today, after the announcement that LSU’s beloved mascot Mike VI would be relocated from his luxurious 13,000 square foot sanctuary to the 18 square foot janitors office.
The cuts mean that the upkeep of the giant enclosure will not be viable, and the land plans to be sold to a local construction firm who plan to build a few Starbucks on it.
LSU spokesperson Debra Tedesco is aware that a lot of people will be upset by the decision.
“We know a lot of folks will be sad to see Mike leave the enclosure”, she said, “He obviously spent many wonderful years in his natural habitat, having fun and being pampered daily. But with these cuts, we no longer have the manpower to upkeep the area. It takes a lot of people to trim the grass, water the shrubs and feed freshman to him.”
But Tedesco also said that they’ll be doing the best they can to integrate Mike into his new home.
“Obviously it’ll take some getting used to for him”, she admitted, “But it really isn’t as bad as everyone thinks. He’ll get fed Whiskas twice a day, fresh water, and it’s right next to the boiler room meaning it’s relatively cozy. Lets face it, it already sounds better than what our student housing has to offer.”
And she even went on to confirm that they’ll be keeping him occupied with assisting the current janitor with minor tasks.
“Yes, we also plan on putting him to work a little bit. The cuts have hit the janitorial side of things hard too, so we’ll be asking him to help out. Y’know, just menial janitorial tasks such as wiping cafeteria tables, sweeping the hallways, and changing the smoke alarm batteries. A busy mind is a happy mind after all. We’re sure he’ll be fine.”