LAKE CHARLES, LA – There was renewed economical hope in the state today after officials unveiled plans to construct a handful of new ‘Prayer Recycling Plants’ that could see the creation of almost 15,000 jobs.

With the oil industry in turmoil, and the number of ‘prayers sent’ on a dramatic upturn, companies all along the I-10 corridor are beginning to turn away from the black gold, in favor of tapping into the huge amounts of energy sat dormant in prayers that didn’t quite make it to God.

Jeremy Larkin, Vice-Chairman of prayer-recycling company PRI, explained that this could be a cornerstone moment in Louisiana’s history.

“For the past 100 plus years, oil has been the bread and butter of the Louisiana economy” he said, “But since that cash has dissipated into nothing more than a combination of thin air and tacky ‘Spoiled Oilfield Wife’ car vinyls, we think the time has come to ensure that the future of Louisana is re-strengthened by moving onto new energy fields.”

He went onto explain how there will be two main methods of harvesting sent prayers.

“Everyone thinks that their prayers reach God. Well, they don’t. In fact only 26% of them reach the big guy. Prayers that didn’t make it can be extracted via one of two methods – the ‘Airborne Retrieval Method’, and the ‘Below-Ground Retrieval Method” he explained. “Both of which, we believe, will be able to sustain both Louisiana and the U.S. as a whole for centuries to come.”


Here’s how the processes work:

The Airborne Retrieval Method:

  1. ‘Sincere prayers’ elevate to a high level. Some of these reach God, whilst many actually don’t. I mean, come on. He only works a 40 hours week. The rest of these sincere prayers linger at around 15,000 feet.
  2. Aircraft hauling specially-designed ‘prayer nets’ collect lingering, unanswered prayers. These are returned to the surface.
  3. They are then transported to the Prayer Recycling Plants where #PrayerfieldTrash convert them into usable energy.
  4. The energy is sent to houses as per usual.
  5. Prayers are then sent from these households and churches (although mainly via KATC/KLFY Facebook comments) where the cycle begins over.

 

The Below-Ground Retrieval Method:

  1. ‘Insincere and unmeaningful prayers’, such as prayers related to winning the Powerball, or the Saints winning another Superbowl, don’t reach very high heights, and instead fall back to the surface.
  2. After descending back to the ground, they are absorbed into the soil and can actually reach miles beneath the surface.
  3. The ‘insincere prayers’ are drilled for by the #PrayerfieldTrash, as you would expect to see in the oil industry, and loaded up onto tankers for transportation to the Prayer Recycling Plants.
  4. As with the previous method, the prayers are converted into usable energy…
  5. …and send to houses all across the country! Science.
  6. Minions then, again, get to “SENDING PRAYERS” (Fact: sending prayers in block lettering holds almost 4 times as much energy as lower case lettering) to allow the cycle to start all over again.

 

Senior Economical Analyst Roxanne Goetz also admitted that companies could be looking to make “crazy dollars” from this new business.

“What with a wonderful combination of the billion-dollar Powerball and an unprecedented increase in terrorist attacks and death in general, more prayers are being sent than ever before” she said, “Demand for prayers, both airborne and below-ground, is at a record high already, and with extremely strong trading we could be looking at the beginning of a new economical age in Louisiana”

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