LONDON, UK – The Queen delivered her annual Christmas broadcast message yesterday, which this year included such advice to viewers across the globe as “spreading love to others, despite the tragic events of 2015”.

However, the key point that she raised was that, no matter how happy you think you are in life, you’ll never be truly happy unless you’re relentlessly devouring a boudin ball from Billy’s in Scott.

“People around the world – both my Commonwealth subjects and the non-commonwealth peasants – at the end of this troubled year, I can tell you that there is only one thing that truly matters in this life. It is not love, nor compassion, nor money. These things are menial in comparison to one, simple feeling. The feeling of demolishing a pepper-jack cheese boudin ball, throwing back some cracklin’ and washing it all down with a Dr. Pepper.”

She went onto mention that she regularly sends her minions to ‘The Boudin Capital of the World’ to ensure that she gets her weekly fix.

“Take this advice from this spritely 89-year old; sending one of your servants to the U.S. to get a greasy, weekly boudin fix is the key to eternal life. I urge you all to do the same. Merry Christmas, one and all.”

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