SLIDELL, LA – Executives at Blue Bell today explained that they plan to avoid any further legal cases, settlements, or negative reviews of any kind by simply offering listeria as one of it’s flavors.
Kenneth Omerod, spokesman for Blue Bell Creameries, was confident that offering consumers the chance to consume pure listeria, there would at least be no surprises.
“I think all consumers want from their Blue Bell ice cream is to not experience a sense of betrayal when they’re lying on their deathbed” Mr. Omerod explained. “By offering them this flavor, they can cut straight to the chase of a near, and in some cases full death experience through the consumption of our products.”
Mr. Omerod also explained that the further advantages of this idea expanded beyond the ice cream.
“It also gives the consumer a chance to get affairs in order that they may have not otherwise had the chance to. I’m talking about increasing their health coverage, writing their wills, and just making plans for a world without them.
He also made time to comment on how proud the company were in winning a recent award for ‘First Company in the U.S. to Literally Kill People Through Food Poisoning and Still Remain In Outrageously High Demand’.
“It’s a great honor, and one that will drive us on to become more efficient and pro-active in killing people through new and exciting flavors. There are new ones in the pipelines for sure, such as ‘Classic Cholera’ and ‘Slammin’ Staphylococcus’, so be on the look-out for sure.”